You know, these days when I’m driving I actually get travel sick!! I know, surprising for the driver to make themselves sick, but I do. Another of my many ‘quirks’. But I think todays feeling of sickness was something more. Anyway , I had to pull over as i was about to have a panic attack. Stop, Breathe. Write. This is what I scribbled onto the back of an envelope – the only blank paper I could find…..
I realise the car is on autopilot, navigating the lilting rhythms of bends and gradients as it brings me home from my abortive mission to the nearest small town. My brain is throbbing. almost failing to be contained within the confines of its hard casing. My eyeballs feel too large and heavy for their sockets and are making my eyelids feel bruised.
I keep trying to bring my focus onto the road ahead, but all I can focus on is the dank greyness.
I become aware of my spiked shoulder blades pushing together. Bile and acid are caught between my chest and throat. My heart is thumping on the walls screaming to get out.
I take a long deep breath. Hold it. Exhale. Trying to regulate my breathing which has become short and tense. Repeat. I’ve opened my lips to blow the air out but found I have my teeth clenched. My jaw is tense, my chin aches from the lock . I concentrate on releasing the grip and notice I also have a white knuckle tight grasp of the steering wheel. I loose my grips.
In two, three, four. Out six, seven, eight.
Focus on the road. Focus on each breath.
The Archers theme tune starts . I reach over and turn off the radio. I round the bend and pull over.
Before the Archers; the mindless babble; was a news spot. Before the tension, was Virginia Wolfe.
To bomb or not to bomb? Today. the big debate. The big vote. My mental and physical demeanor is a reaction to our political and economic climate. A panic attack. To vote or to veto. To panic AND attack or to rise above and respond? Will our politicians represent ME?
Across all parties, they all get a vote. One moment of their time. A tick or a cross. To bomb or not to bomb.
A leading party that is failing me. Who represent almost nothing I hold dear. Who charges for further education; who wants to frack our national parks; sell off our NHS; fine our homeless; penalise our poor; go to war….
This nay/yay vote that will affect all our lives. This group of disassociated individuals. This collective of egos. Career politicians who’ve never experienced ‘ordinary’ lives.
They are a body of minds. But do they mind? Will they mind? What is on their individual minds. Will they , with their individual votes, represent me? Or will they take our children; our brothers and sisters; our husbands and wives and hurtle us into a state of war? Or will they; for one moment; one most important moment, think beyond the moment and consider the future. Our future.
My mind and body were in a panic. with my whole being I add my voice to those who are like-minded and will THEM to hear US.
Vote NO. NO to bombing. No to warring. No to destroying. NO NO NO.