Tag Archives: self doubt

Tra-la-hahaha…

15 May

I’m 50 later this year. I’ve spent about forty plus of those fifty years knowing I can’t sing and being embarrassed to sing where anyone can hear AQ me. It started at junior school when everyone was in choir and I was asked to mime my words. That devastating blow to my self-confidence and shame about my voice has been with me my whole life. I never do karaoke, I mime at gigs and on the odd occasion I do sing out loud I become mortified by any funny look I perceive heading in my direction. And on those occasions I’m asked to ‘shhhh’ I’m traumatized for days.

This last year I have been a bit more ‘to hell with it’. After all singing is good for the soul.  We should all be able to sing and dance as if no-one is watching or listening. There are only a few places and occasions I just get on with singing but my self-consciousness and knowledge of being terrible at it do haunt me.

But. And to me it’s a massive ‘but’. Hubby has taken literally my comment at the beginning of 2017 when I stated that this was my fiftieth birthday YEAR!!! I’ve been receiving ad-hoc gifts throughout. ( I know, I’m a very lucky girl)

Today though I got a gift that has terrified me

A mystery envelope

This was inside…..

O M G !!!!!

So…..

Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I hide myself away in shame? How will I cope with the embarrassment? What if she visible cringes?

Hubby says ‘think how magic it would be if you could learn to sing and felt comfortable joining in”.

I’ll do it. But it’s going to be the most embarrassing and frightening thing I’ve done since… I don’t even know when. I’m 50 nearly. I should try things that scare me….

But what if I’m a lost cause? I’ll be mortified. It’s terrifying!  And poor Mrs Galletta!….

So what is it you have a hang up about? Or don’t you?  Come on, share. Make me feel less freaked…..

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Sickness, Stress and Self-doubt… And Then There’s Me….

19 Apr

I was invited by Stigma Fighters to write my essay…..
…i though I couldn’t..
…but once I started I couldn’t not..

I hope it will not phase you if you know me; or upset you, if you love me.  I hope it will give you strength.  I hope if you struggle at times you will realise we all do to different degrees and the ‘curtains’ we open to the outside are not always representative of all the ‘rooms in our home’. Life is multi-faceted and challenging to all of us at times… even those who might give the impression that it is easy…

so here it is… from head to e-paper..
Sickness, Stress and Self-doubt… And Then There’s Me….

Self-doubt, stress and sickness

30 Mar

Sometimes its possible to just feel ‘not quite right’, not sick as such just ‘out of sorts’ .  If , like me, you suffer from anxiety based illnesses it’s possible (I find, as I can only talk from experience), to find it difficult to judge whether you are ‘sick’ or feeling ‘down’ and as such, feel sick.  That doesn’t mean that ‘down’ is not a valid sickness, it’s just whether the symptoms derive from the anxiety or from something else like a virus or bug or allegy or something more sinister.

This whole week I’ve felt sick. Really tired, thick head, wheezy.  I’ve not been sick or rushing to the loo but my stomach is definitely very upset.  It gurgles and complains constantly.  Its windy and acidy and intolerent of anything it receives (gross, graphic and not particularly lady-like, sorry!).  Now I know I have a small hiatus hernia (very common , nothing to worry about), I also know I have to take medication for acid reflux and in the past have been treated for an oesophagal ulcer.  I also aware that when I overdo it I ‘fade’.  I kind of shut down.  I don’t want to go out, I can’t face work and my brain struggles to focus.  My head and body feel weighed down and sluggish.

Whatever the ‘real’ reason, the facts are that my head aches, I’m tired.  I’ve slept every afternoon this week and most of yesterday.  My stomach is genuinely ‘not right’.  But would I feel better if I just got out there and weeded someones garden a bit (as a job not just for the hell of it!); or got out my sketch pad and started producing drawings for the commissions I have waiting; or started cutting glass for a commission already agreed; or did my tax return; or got my head around the catering order for next weeks Sunday lunch… Maybe just the list is too long and I need to breathe and focus…..

….Or maybe I do really just need to go and have another little lie down

So, why do I feel a ‘fraud’ when I feel ‘sick’?  I think its because my feelings of wellness and my drive and enthusiasm and focus swing wildly from day to day; sometimes morning to afternoon; and sometimes I know to work through it and I do and its fine.  Sometimes I think I know to work through it and I do and its not fine I go into a decline.  SOMETIMES I make the descision that its a bug and rest and then wonder if I’d feel better if I just got on with it and the slouching around is a catalyst for feeling more ‘sick’.

So the question is, is it just me or is it you too?  Do you worry about these things?  When do you know it’s ‘sick’ and time to see a doctor, or ‘sick’ and recognising the need to slow down? Or ‘sick’ and you just need to give yourself a good kick up the backside?

bogged down….

12 Nov

I went for a short drive along a narrow lane with a bit of an awkward bend it in.  I hadn’t been there for quite a while as I’d got in quite a mess last time I tried even though I’d managed and even enjoyed it many times prior.  It’s easy to navigate going forward, slightly uphill and a bit narrow in places, but straightforward.

It’s just about negotiable for me in reverse.  The road was fine, even though the weather was a bit grey.  I made it to the destination, did what needed to be done.  But by the end of the day it was dark, and wet and miserable. I misjudged the kink in the slope and ended up with two wheels on boggy ground.  I tried to move forward to get out of the mess but i was stuck so i moved a bit further back in an attempt to extricate myself.  By then i was pretty much sliding around and getting nowhere.  I still had two wheels in sight of solid ground but they had no purchase. I could not get a grip. I was well and truly bogged down.  The car was stranded. I turned everything off, locked the doors and left it alone. It was too dark to do anything but sleep.

The next day it wasn’t so wet and grey.  I realised needed some people with more strength and the right tools to help me out.  It may have been a bit too late before i recognised i was getting myself more struck but once I asked for help it came.

The car is safely home.  Its  pretty muddy  and got a few bruises but its back on the road. I’m pretty sure when i next drive it everything will work as normal.

Thanks to a few friends, and their time and support, I’m back on the road.  Parked. But on solid ground.