…After the crash..

23 Apr

So yesterday I literally did nothing. I managed to get up and feed my B&B guests complete with smiling and chatting . Then I went back to bed. I slept until nearly 2pm… Despite Hubby trying to wake me at noon. I stayed awake long enough to reheat a cup of tea in the microwave. Sat on the front doorstep in the sun and fell asleep. Woke briefly when Hubby popped home. Long enough to get a pillow and a deck chair. Then slept in the sun.

Stayed awake to eat supper, fell asleep in front of TV. Had an early night and slept right through.

This was me crashing… I refer to my blog from yesterday … Oh yes I did find a moment or two to articulate my crash in blog form.. but that really was the extent of yesterday’s activities.

So today I am already three gardening jobs behind, racked with guilt and stressed by my backlog.

I sat down this evening, knackered and aching from head to toe. As I berated myself for my pathetic state I announced to myself “for Christ’s sake woman you only did 3 hours work today, get a grip”…. Long pause as I’m now lying in bed. This was my day:

Woke 7:30. Got up and prepped breakfast for our 6 B&B guests

Placed an order with our stained glass suppliers

Did 3 hours heavy digging and weed clearing.

Drove the 20 miles to our nearest  supermarket. Did the weekly shop

Collected our son

Unpacked shopping

Spent an hour tidying in my own garden

Had a bath

Cleaned the bathroom

Made a roast dinner…

… So to be fair, considering my physical and mental state… In fact, irrespective of my physical and mental state, today was pretty full.

..And now I can add, ‘wrote a blog’, to my achievements for today.

On that note, I am going to turn of the light and zzzzzzzzzzzz

Its a perfect day, if only I had the energy…

22 Apr

20160508_153945[1]

…and rest

I’m writing this with one eye shut, hiding under a blanket in shame, hoping you won’t notice me. An irrational thread of worry that you will find me pathetic. A big dollop of feeling like a fraud.

I have this battle going on in my head ( imagine that image in movies with the saint and the devil on each shoulder whispering conflicting messages into your ears).

I’m knackered. Totally and utterly drained of energy. My head is trying to formulate action my body is in total all out protest fight.  I am not functioning.

Over the last week my body has ached more and more. My brain has fought against my body harder and harder. Today my body is on strike, a barrier has been built between my mind and muscles and my head hurts from bashing itself against it.

I’ve turned to mush. I managed to get up and serve my guests breakfast with all the energy, smiling and chatting that goes with that.  I had some breakfast and argued with my body to prepare for action. It’s the most glorious day. I have 5 outstanding gardening jobs to do. I’d rescheduled 2 for today and 3 for tomorrow.

The only thing my body would do was lay down. The only thing my mind would do was switch off. I lost my gorgeous sunny morning to sleep. Asked hubby to wake me around noon… It was an impossible task. I dragged myself downstairs at two. Microwaved the cup of tea he’d brought me two hours earlier.  I sat on the front door step hoping the gorgeous day would energise me…. I fell asleep with my head against the door frame.

I’m not ill. I shouldn’t be exhausted. Yes, I do a lot but I don’t really put in full days like I did when working for the man. I love my life and the closet of hats it comes with.

I do see a pattern. Note my post “life: mine:it’s full: .. Shortly after I get to the euphoric with life point;  the feeling of reaching a perfect balance. Shortly after exalting the joy and contentment I feel to my world, I run out of fuel and fall into decline.

Writing my last blog ( “life, mine..”) it was after our quiet season and into the growth and rebirth of the next. Spring had sprung. Guests were booking into our B&B; gardens needed tending; buds were forming on the trees and bushes; all those tender fluorescent green shoots dancing in warm breezes . Snowdrops, crocuses and daffodils; Camellia, forsythia and grape hyacinths splashed colour onto life’s canvas and everything, including me, felt so alive and vital.  And then there was overload.

The week that included Easter was beyond busy. So many hats to wear at the same time. They were too heavy. “But hey,” thought I, “Get through the week and then rest”. But the next week was even busier….. “I can do this”, I thought. Most of the demands were things I love to do: glass, cafe, guests, gardening. However there were what felt like a zillion other little things that needed to be done too. Tiny jobs: organise an electrician; message tenants; collect my new glasses; shop for food; make veggie sausages; meet up with friends; buy a birthday gift.

My body started to protest. Everything ached. Then it ached more. My brain failed to send messages to the right parts of my body. It took 40 minutes mid-week to persuade my body to get off a chair and walk back to the car to drive home. At the traffic lights I had to battle with my eyes not to close and just have a little cat nap.

Today I’ve just slept. I’m sure I feel worse for it. Not only are guilt and shame raging through me. Also totally embarrassment and a sense of patheticness. Then panic. I have so much to do. The weather is perfect to do it. I would really enjoy doing it too.  The customers would be so happy too, I love visiting these elderly ladies and chatting whilst gardening. But I’ve done nothing. Not even told the customers… I know this makes it worse but I just can’t, I’m just not there. The party I should be at tonight, I just can’t go. I know I can’t persuade my body to put on clothes and go out, it just will not cooperate. Hubby will have to phone, I’m too ashamed.

I’m going to stop now before i go on about how much stronger, stable, capable everyone i know is; how much more everyone I admire does etc etc… I know its a short phase rest will resolve.  So, despite my guilt I’m going to search out a sun lounger and go and snooze in the garden.  Will battle the guilt later xxx

 

Gallery

Greed The Movie premieres in Brecon

11 Apr

A fantastic music score, spectacular cinematography, unique independent film full of emotion and tension with a good splash of humour despite the serious socio-political message. A story for our time… should be shown in schools and colleges. …. highly recommend it. Sound track available as a download from ‘scribbleman’.

Greed The Rock Opera

Brecon in Mid Wales saw the world premiere of Greed at Coliseum Cinema last night (Monday April 10).

A sold-out invited audience were ironically glammed up for the politically zeitgeist movie, which has won two film festival global awards already.

Greed was shot in Brecon and Aberdare in 2016 on a micro budget – no budget actually. The cross-generational cast (with actors between 14 and 74 years old) are mostly residents of Brecon, a town struggling in these challenging austerity times.

It’s subversive, it’s anti-establishment, it’s a musical. It’s Welsh and like nothing else.

Greed writer and director Nigel Evans says: “Greed has done okay so far with film awards from the Monkey Bread Tree Film Awards in London and the Monthly International Film Awards in Copenhagen. But local people were asking when they could see it, so we staged a private screening for them.

“The Coliseum Cinema has been…

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Life: Mine: It’s full: Very full

9 Apr

15016351_1247664865307784_3338542209251484497_oI’m a woman.  I’m self-employed.  I’m fairly ‘alternative’ and, am told, slightly ‘eccentric’.  I wear many hats.  Not all suit me…

Life gets confusing and chaotic……

Here’s perhaps why….

13912605_1298769933474183_1529318925936773135_n???????????????????????????????I’m an artist, I occasionally do pet portraits, I often do stained glass commissions. I do have an Etsy shop, which I manage in a very ad hoc way.  I promise to keep a stock of my designs but the artistic bit of me is really only interested in the bespoke commissions and one-off designs , so I struggle to find time to hold stock.  So I make my designs to order.

20170322_123236I teach stained glass.  It’s a new string to my bow.  I love it.  I find it immensely satisfying and it brings me huge amount of joy.

I run a B&B.  This involves being really nice to (mostly) lovely people, talking (a lot), keeping the place clean, ironing sheets (even though I’d never iron my own) and cooking really gorgeous breakfasts.  I do this with my hubby.  We love working together.  It works.  Coming to stay at Cerdyn Villa is like staying with friends (so we’re told) and that, my lovelies was the plan so things her are going well

breakfast

I manage our business website and various tourism pages on social media.  Some of these pages… “www.cerdynvilla.wales” is our lifestyle hub (ooo fancy!), it leads you off to “Pink Butterfly Art and Glass” – my Etsy shop; “Pink Butterfly at Cerdyn Villa” -our FB page combining our B&B and my art; http://www.cerdynvilla.co.uk – our B&B website; “rose-tinted Ramblings” – my blog; “Home of Bog Snorkelling” – the tourism FB page for our town; “@Berni_Benton” – my twitter account

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’m a gardener – I look after six people’s gardens.  Mostly elderly ladies, some of whom like to garden with me and its as much about the company as the weeding and pruning.  I LOVE weeding (does that make me odd?  I don’t care, I LOVE IT!)

peanut butter cheesecakeI work shifts in the local cafe and cover for the owners if they go away.  Sometimes I even bake some cakes!

I blog.  For fun, but mainly to keep me sane and promote my work(s) (not necessarily at the same time). Its called Rose Tinted Rambling, but you know that because you are here now.  It’s mainly a brain dumping ground.  Most thoughts evolve whilst I’m either ironing or weeding and I can’t rest until they’re typed.  So there! I try to categorise to avoid you haven’t to read the ‘boring shit’  but I’d say there’s pretty much something for everyone here.

I  advocate for a local elderly lady and manage her finances. It’s my ‘pay-it-forward” – we should all have one.  It’s great to give back.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I volunteer, Working to help run the weird and wacky events in Llanwrtyd – I am the commentator at the World Bog Snorkelling and Man v Horse.  They gave me the job because, and I quote “if the PA system breaks I’d still be loud enough for everyone to hear”.  Hubby said he could hear me from the house last year and I was three-quarters  of a mile away….

… I hasten to add the mic was working that day.

I am responsible for keeping our household accounts.  Although hubby takes my figures and does the scary bit of filling in the returns and sending them off

I do all the food shopping, planning and feeding. Sometimes I do this well.  Other times we eat out!

I ‘manage’ a tenanted house with 5 flats.  Not for fun, at all, but because the landlords were neighbours but now live in Spain.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

We keep hens, that means they have a house that needs cleaning

11182523_1594413547510404_4888338233642762611_oI’m a mum………

………………………………………….

……..in my spare time (!!)

I do a bit of yoga and belly dancing

a vision in red

I look after my own garden (sometimes I get dressed before I start)

11168862_1046829525379356_5330321855820313332_oI’m a member of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (say hello to Lady Lily the Pink).  I even stood for the Welsh Assembly

I soak in a bubble bath

I enjoy a good live band

I read the occasional book.  mostly I read blogs  and watch TED talks

I snuggle on the sofa with my Hubby and watch Netflix

I play board games with my boy(s) – son and hubby

I eat out with friends

I eat in with friends

I drink out with friends

I drink in with friends

Sometimes I just drink…….

I love my life, but planning is difficult.  Impossible actually.  So it appears chaotic.  and sometimes it really is.  It also appears disorganised.  But actually it rarely is.  ….

….it just feels it

Logistically its a massive challenge.  It’s so far removed from the 9-5 life I used to lead.  I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

diaryofanimperfectmum

It’s more than just a communuty class

30 Mar

I have been lucky enough to have been asked to be the designer/co-teacher at a community stained glass project that began at the very beginning of 2017.

It’s a wonderful, energising and exciting project funded by Brecon Beacons National Park Sustainable Development Fund.   Fitting into the Year of Welsh Legends, the project is to create a large stained glass window for Myddfai Hall to reflect the legends of Wales and the surrounding area to Myddfai, Carmarthenshire.  See that big semi-circular window on the second floor? Its going there

Four groups of six weeks.  Two and a half hours a week.  Subsidised classes teaching members of the community stained glass skills and then engaging them in the design and creation of, what is sure to be, a spectacular piece of Welsh art.

The ‘pupils’ learn the skills they need and are able to make their own glass designs as well as being part of the making of the big window.

The first six weeks we had fourteen people and they put forward their ideas they felt should be incorporated.  We reviewed the Mabinogion for imagery and ideas.  Some people drew others wrote down ideas, some printed off images they felt should be conveyed.  With all ideas of these first fourteen I was tasked with creating an image that would translate into glass and convey all the aspects of Welsh Legend and Myddfai history the group felt pertinent.  An amazing challenge and honour for me.

stained glass window, mabinopion, welsh legends, physicians of myddfai

the finalised design for the 3 panels making up the window

By week seven, the beginning of the second course, ten of the original fourteen remained, joined by another six.  The cutting of the panel began alongside the teaching of the beginners and development of the ‘experienced’..  By week thirteen, which is where we are now, the beginning of the third course, everyone stayed on and we have been joined by four more.

the first course and some beautiful first pieces of stained glass

Progress on the panel is amazing.  But more than that.  We have developed a community.  These talented individuals generally arrive early because they are now all friends and want to meet for coffee first or start on our or their projects asap.  They reluctantly pack up to leave at the end, we often run on.  They stay on after to have lunch together.  They’re all friends on social media… and in ‘real’ life.  They communicate and meet outside the classes.  They share their joys and pains; encourage each other and bring each other joy.

Plus they are all so proud (quite rightly) of their individual achievements and their involvement in this fantastic piece of art that they want to take pieces home to progress the project more quickly.  They positively glow.

As one of their ‘teachers’ I find so much joy and pride in watching their joy and seeing their confidence develop.  I too have new friends as a result.

The classes are a delight indeed.  They’re filled with energy chatter and laughter.  The pride in the projects, both individual ones and our group activity, are palpable.  And, when the panels are finally installed, sometime in June 2017, they will be there as a permanent reminder of individual development, teamwork, talent, achievement and friendship.  That moment , when we reveal our ‘masterpiece’ will be…… indescribable… when we get their though, i will try my best ….

Progress so far – end of week 13… copper foiling, a bit of leading and even a bit of soldering… really taking shape

Mummy in a Tutu

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

My Random Musings
Diary of An Imperfect Mum

Even the Red Bull crowd think we’re crazy! ….

29 Mar

We are lucky enough to be eccentrics in the eccentric capital of Wales , running our B&B ( Cerdyn Villa) from the teeny-weeny town (smallest in the UK) of Llanwrtyd Wells and enjoy being actively involved in the weird and wacky events we run.
Last year we had a visitor to the World Alternative Games from RedBull TV, Here’s what they tried….
come along and see for yourselves….

Red Bull TV at the Bogs

It’s real but it’s not reality…..

11 Mar

menopause 5
I can feel myself slipping. Like I’m in a Banksy installation. “Un-fair”

I’m on the helter-skelter… only it’s slide is not very slippery  so some moments I’m slipping slowly down and in others  I’m grabbing the edge and bumping myself further down by force.  Not only am I slowly heading down the spiral but the spiral ends in a dark pit of sticky clay so should I get to the bottom by feet will quickly be caked and I’ll be fighting to wade my way back out.

There’s  a sombre inevitability about it. I’m on the ride and gravity suggests the easiest option is to keep on the ride.

But it’s  a shit ride and I want to climb off.

But do I ride the spiral and try to get off at the bottom? I don’t like the claggy thick clay. It’s really tough to wade through and I’m not sure I have the physical strength to do it.

The other option is to stand up on the unslippery slide and walk back up the slope, like a teenager in a kids playground. Declare the ride ‘crap’ and come back down the steps into my Spring garden which I know is just the other side of the gate. Resplendent with tete-a-tete,  daffodil, crocus, snowdrop, primrose and camellia all in full glorious bloom. I need to get back to my Monet.

At the moment I’m wedged a third of the way down this narrow slide and my too fat frame is friction-wedged against the rough metal. It’s a choice. Push down or pull up.

That . My, friends, is the beginning. I’ve been stuck in this bloody Un-fair for days and nights.

menopauseSo I’m stuck in an unreal reality. My head is showing me a gloomy backdrop which is blocking the real view. Some bastard has messed with my mirrors. It’s another exhibit in my Banksy Un-Fair. All the mirrors create a body dismorphic reality. My face is a Jackson Pollok. It’s me but it’s not ME .

I know what I’m seeing and feeling is not reality, but that doesn’t make it any less REAL.

If you suffer from depression , anxiety  or hormone related emotional imbalances (and many of you do, I know I’m far from unique) then perhaps you can relate to this.

I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m guilty. I’m frightened. Shall I ramble on? If I haven’t bored you to press the ‘back’ button yet the next chunk of self-indulgent morose rambling may just tip you over the edge.

So here I am in my rose-tinted world still yet, this week, I’m entangled in this heavy thick net from which I am desperately trying to extract myself but it’s becoming such a tangle I’m all tied up and tripping in the chaos of it.

menopause 4

I can see John out there trying to free me from it. I can hear him telling me to stop struggling as I’m making the tangle tighter. He’s trying to unknot me so I can squeeze out through a gap. I keep managing to get an arm out and he and friends are pulling  and holding onto me to stop me getting more entangled.

For that I am simultaneously grateful for the wonderful people around me. Sad, at the worry I’m causing. Guilty about being so pathetically self-indulgent. Angry that this has happened, to varying degrees, since I was a teen and still the medical profession fail to recognise or deal with women’s hormonal cycles. Never has a doctor suggested, acknowledged or acted on the obvious fact that I clearly have both a monthly and a quarterly spiral. Never.

So. I am grateful to you all for being.  I’m apologetic to you all for the lack of rosy-tint in these latest posts. And I am hopeful that the act of writing it (as grey and gloom filled as it is) will give my mind the strength it needs to lift itself up and drag my being back up the slope and so I can climb off this shitty ride.. .

cropped-red-hair.jpg

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

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Honestly i’m not a psycho bitch…

9 Mar

Note to self. At least 2 days prior to your period and until that moment of release ( readers you may recognise this switch moment in your own cycle) … until that moment, try your absolute best..  in fact, lock yourself in without access to social media, phones or people… Give someone else the key.. do not socialise, or communicate.. you can not be trusted to be rational or civil. Recognise you are a danger to your own sanity.  That you are likely to cause, at best, mild upset or offense to someone you care about.  Your brain has no control over your emotions; you overreact; you self-doubt; you lose confidence and competence.; you become intolerant and strike out. You cannot control this despite the talking to that you give yourself and despite the knowledge that if you gave it 48 hours normal responses and attitudes would prevail. You have now warned yourself. Let this be your reminder. Avoid human contact and keep your head down……

… as ever this sound advice fails to get actioned. Partly because sometimes commitments prevent isolation. Sometimes because no sane person is brave enough to suggest you’re not in the right mind to be allowed contact with the public.

So. Should you be one of the unfortunate ones who is on the receiving end of a 48hr madness of mine, I can but apologise profusely and hope that you know me well enough to know that I cannot help the temporary insanity my hormones induce every 28 days.

Normal service will be resumed shortly….

Focus, Aspire, Inspire

23 Feb

I have been inspired, as I often am, by certain bloggers I follow.  This time my muse is Debbie of My Random Musings.

As I flutter around in random formation, flitting from this project to that; this passion to that; this idea to that; this demand on my time to that; I get through my days,week and months in a blink of an eye.  Completing a lot of stuff; dipping my toes in many a pond and having a great deal of fun but it all kinds of floats around in a mishmash of activity without borders, direction or guidelines.

That’s all very well.  A nice, jolly, unfocused existence, guided by optimism and chance, but I really would like to look back on a year without being completely surprised by how I got from January to Christmas and the circuitous route I took to get there.

I’m not saying I don’t love the surprised.  I do.  That’s the problem.  I enjoy the freedom of it a little too much.  Sometimes to the point that at any point in the year I’m not really sure what sort of ground I might find under each footstep.  More importantly I’m not moving forward.  I’m treading the beautiful waters in which I wallow and am allowing myself to enjoy things as they float by; maybe latching onto them for stability for a few moments; but never really reeling myself in.

I’d like to be able to say my starting point was A by goals were B,C and D with a few distractions via M,Q and W, but I made it to D by the end of an allotted time.  I’d like to measure my achievements as well as list them.

So *deep breath* I’m taking Debbie’s advice and starting with a bucket list:

1.TWITTER – I’d love to have over 500 followers before the end of the year, a small hop rather than a leap  – in my mind I already know I really want 1000 but let’s be realistic about these things. This is me

2. ALSO TWITTER – I need to find help and learn how to use it more effectively – I love talking politics, parenting, art, religion, tourism – I don’t want to focus on one topic – I love to RAMBLE and REACT and REFLECT as he mood takes me and the words grab me but I must more effectively access the right people for each topic otherwise I am aware I may bore, or worse, annoy my followers

3.BLOGGING – again I want to ramble randomly so I’m aware I need to be smarter with my tags/metatags/linky’s/sharing . Again I need advice .  I can find lots of blog share site but I’m not interested in fashion, cosmetics, hair and makeup and I’m in the UK… I need to find other companions  – as fun as some of those I follow are – I need more of the random eccentrics out there.  I won’t put a link as you’re already here but feel free to have a look round if you can make it to the end of this post 😉

4.ALSO BLOGGING – I need to set a goal for ‘followers’ but I don’t really want followers so much as interactors – I’ll continue writing it even if no-one reads it because sometimes I can’t sleep until I get whatever it is out of my head.  however, it would be lovely to have a few people who felt inspired to discuss my content… Lets say I’ll aim for 36 new followers / contributors in 2017, 20,000 views

5.TEACHING – this is new to me, I’m loving it – teaching stained glass to members of the community as part of a funded Community Project – my goals are to be proud of the finished product, have it installed by the end of summer and to both blog and Vlog the process.  My aim is to obtain another teaching commission for 2018

6.STAINED GLASS ART- let’s get proactive instead of reactive.  Last year I started thinking about Christmas stock mid October – about 3 months too late when I had zero old stock to sell and had to close by order book on 5th Dec because for some reason we decided a holiday before Christmas would be relaxing.  It was.  The run up to it was definitely not.  So. START making Christmas glass in the summer.

7.ALSO STAINED GLASS – I am really really bad at marketing myself, my skills and my ETSY shop (I bet you are thinking ” whoa, she has an Etsy shop?!”) – I looked at my Etsy shop today and all items have expired.  I’ve not been updating my existing ‘made to order’ items or creating any new ones.  Target – never have my shop empty. Create 2 new designs before summer (lets say end July).  Anyway, here’s a link to the shop ..don’t look yet, I’ve written this but I haven’t done it yet, give me a few hours!!

8. ALSO STAINED GLASS – my favourite moment in the artistic process is creating a new design and making it for the first time.  I love most of all the commissioned one-off pieces.  As an artist rather than a commercial maker, the fun and challenge is in the original design and the presentation of it to the individual who asked for it.That said I really need to focus on marketing myself as a designer and maker of one off commissioned glass panels… If I could get 3 more commissions for 2017 I’d be a very happy bunny.

9.BED AND BREAKFAST – Cerdyn Villa is, in my mind small and perfectly formed .  I love that we run it like we are having friends over.  I love that we spend hours talking to our guests over breakfast or sharing our wine/beer in the garden on a rare warm sunny day.  Yes its a business, but mostly its a lifestyle choice.  What I wanted to do last year was to start running weekenders for like-minded people – eg: an artists retreat, a classic car enthusiasts retreat; that sort of thing.  Basically fill our 3 rooms and maybe have 4 or 5 campers come along – welcome drinks evening around a bonfire, breakfast together, some form of group activity, an evening meal together, possibly everyone heading to the local pub together for a pint, some other activity and away they go – fulfilled, enlightened and loving our home and this little village. My target is to run a first one in 2017…In September *better warn hubby*

10.ART  – as an acrylic artist I am again pretty crap at self promotion.  I would however be very happy to paint 2 more original spacescapes to add to my series and arrange for them to be exhibited somewhere before Christmas.  I’m not a mass creator of sellable art I just want to follow my passion and paint these for me – but be brave enough to put them out there for others to look at.

11.FACEBOOK.  I amalgamated my art page (Pink Butterfly Art & Glass) and our B&B page (Cerdyn Villa B&B into one with a view to create a ‘lifestyle hub’  The page is Pink Butterfly Art & Glass at Cerdyn Villa B&B or @CerdynVilla – I’d love to grow that to 1000 likes.

12.LIFESTYLE HUB – with so many facets to life I set up (with a lot of help from my friend and  mentor, Dinah) a ‘one-stop-shop ‘Lifestyle Hub’ combining my blog, Facebook, B&B website, art and twitter into one place from where everything can be accessed.  I need to make it more visible (how? – ok arrange more time with the gorgeous Dinah – for that but mostly for coffee and cwtches).  Plus I promised I’d start a VLOG... so my target is to set up a VLOG!!!

So there you go.  I shall continue fluttering about randomly rambling my way along but at the same time (yes I do plan to multi task), I shall keep my mind on these goals and moreover I shall report back in January on my success/failure/adaptations to the above.

Wish me luck, I’m going in!

Faith, Spirituality, Empathy and Humanity

21 Feb

I’m not completely sure of everything that I believe in.

For example, I can’t say how I feel about ghosts, spirits and their ability to communicate across planes, the form they take or whether they exist at all. I don’t know what I feel about spirits although I’ve weegee’d a fair bit and seemingly contacted various ‘spirits’.  I don’t know how I feel about sentient spirits interacting with living people in that I accept something is happening but it’s probably something to do with our subconscious minds.  I find it hard to accept that there is a true ability to interact across planes of existence (if there are other planes of existence).  I have several friends who I would explain away as extremely empathetic , but who consider themselves to be Mediums or Spiritual Healer.  I suspect a lot of healing comes from the belief in being healed.  I accept there are a lot of unanswered questions and  I do think there is more out there and more capacity within our brains than we yet understand or tap.

I do believe that we have subconscious and conscious skills beyond those that most of us use.  I also believe that way back before we became ‘civilised’ we were more able to tap into our instincts, communicate more intuitively and work alongside nature/seasons/elements.  I do believe that our energy lives on.  Science proves that energy is neither created or destroyed.  When we die our physical bodies decay and feed the earth, growing plants, feeding animals, continuing the circle of life.  Weather there is a ‘soul’ that exists separately? Whether this ‘soul’ contains consciousness and awareness of life as we know it? Those are matters on which I remain open to further evidence and scientific study.  I am definitely a sceptic.

I am however, completely sure of what I don’t believe.

I do not believe and feel it factual to say that there is no all-seeing divine, super being(s) controlling/orchestrating who is good/bad; who is healed/left to suffer; who is constantly watching/ignoring; who is determining our individual fates here/in any alternative life.  Religion is a man-made conscript which has evolved and changed through the millenia to suit those who dictate it and is dependant on where you were born and with what fables you were raised as to which story/ supreme being each individual worships.

I do however, have great faith in the inherent goodness of (wo)mankind and its abilities to make a difference by offering positive thoughts/kindness/actions to others. I do believe that a charitable and positive outlook makes you a happier more enriched person.  I do believe that actions speak louder than words.  That giving is receiving.  That laughter and friendship are the best medicine.  That love conquers all.

(I would add to this quote “and all life” after “fellow human beings” )

I am, at heart, a Humanist.  I find strength and solace in my friends and acquaintances.  I gain and grow from exploring new paths, listening to others and sharing kindness.  I try to stand up against wrongs; be loud for those who feel they do not have a voice; offer support to those who do not have the strength.  In return I try to accept the love and help of those around me , who feel the same essence of humanity and want to give of themselves as I want to give of myself.

This week I have been struggling.  I have felt pain and weakness and fatigue.  Friends have offered support each in their own way. Sympathy, spiritually, practically.  I’ve had massage, pampering, kind words, visits and positive energy sent to me from all directions.  Its interesting, because those with a religion will say they will pray for you.  Perhaps this is the same as me or other friends , offering positive thoughts.  Although we are offering humanity and nature up as a healing source; and those of religion are requesting that their supreme being consider looking out for you.  In both instances the intention is the same.. it is a human wilfulness to care for your best interests and well-being.

The world around us; plants, animals, seasons, skies, and all of nature are suppressed by the unnatural infrastructure we have created.  Nature will eventually win out.  We cannot tame it .  We might adjust it for a time.  But when we leave, either voluntarily or through our own demise.  Nature will take over again.  The evidence of our footprint on the earth would soon be buried deep in the earth and nature will , if necessary continue without us.  We can forge our own battles against it for our short-term convenience and gain and nature will let us; for a while.  But, when we push too far, get too greedy with the resources of this planet, nature will fight back and win.  And it might well do it without us being part of the natural future.

We think we are supreme, intelligent and resourceful because we build, invent, communicate and utilise the resources of this planet.  Because we are now reaching beyond our world and in time will do the same on distant planets.  But there are limited resources, limited tolerances that this planet and atmosphere will allow us to control.  There has to be balance.  Greed and corporations are not balance. They are egos.  Egos will eventually lose to nature., be they a whole race, an economic construct, or a political ideal.  These artificial controls of resources for greed, control and financial gain will eventually fall; but at what price to humankind?

Interestingly, and surprisingly as I’ve sat here ‘mind dumping into written word’ the words spilling into this blog are not those I had expected.  I was meaning to extrapolate into alternative healing and goodwill and have turned instead to ecology and economic politics!  Fortunately, for me at least, that is the joy of just leaving your fingers to ride the keyboard and spill the mind onto the page.  I never quite know where it will lead … sometimes, quite often actually, I’m not even aware that the thoughts that appear were even in my head.  Oh the joy of letting your mind do the talking!

Anyway, today I am being extremely kind to myself.  I am being mindful.  I am listening to my joints and muscles, I am giving them permission to rest and heal.  I am reading, writing, sitting, resting.  I am allowing my friends to advise me and guide me.  I am letting my husband allow me the freedom to stop.  I am relaxing, recovering and regaling my thoughts to you all.

Try it.  Let your mind wander through your fingers from a starting point of your choosing and see where it takes you.  You may discover something new about yourself .  Or try mine about ‘belief’.

I would love to hear from you xxxx

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My Random Musings